(Written by jsnell)

It’s that time, folks. Time for a waffle and some orange juice, as we wake up and start our weekend.

Oh, wait, that’s not it. It’s time for a Cal football game. At nine in the freakin’ morning?!

Fortunately for our correspondent Ken Crawford it’s more like noon — because he’s in College Park, Maryland at Byrd Stadium.

Me, I’m wearing my pajamas and sitting on my couch. But we’ll both be commenting on the game, live, as it happens. So stay tuned!

8:58 AM PT: Ken: “Wow, fireworks during the star spangled banner. They’re so much more outwardly patriotic here on the east coast. NYC was ridiculously flag covered, particularly this week, being 9/11 week.”

9:02 AM PT: Ken: “Of course the fireworks for the team coming out were much more substantial than the anthem.” And we’re on the air on ESPN! This is the time slot for games where I wake up, stumble out, and turn on the TV, amazed that people are already playing this early in the day. And yet here we are. (Admission: I’ve been up a little while, honestly. I stayed in bed and drank tea and listened to Fighting Talk before rising to begin my Cal duties.)

9:04 AM PT / Kickoff: Cal comes out in the white shirts and gold pants. And we’re off.

9:05 AM PT: Cal comes out throwing. Interesting. A throw out to the side to Cunningham for no gain, and an incomplete pass — on Riley, as it was way overhtrown. Now on third down, a screen pass to Best (good call!) for a first down, but a flag is down. Holding on Cunningham downfield, which is painful.

9:07 AM PT: Ken: “Some more stadium notes: Student section is in corner of the endzone on the lower horseshoe. They’re the only ones making noise. Stadium is 75% full. Cal is well represented with 2 1/2 sections of fans on the 3rd deck.”

9:08 AM PT / 13:00 1st: A Riley sack and Cal punts. Ken: “Anger really lost something with that leg injury. He hasn’t hit the ball well since.” It’s true, he has not been the same since then. Here’s hoping he turns it around.

9:09 AM PT: First down for Maryland. Our Philip Michaels reports that Chris Turner, Maryland’s quarterback, is the fellow whose dad was in ’80s hair-metal band Ratt. For more nonsense about ’80s hair metal, listen to the podcast we posted yesterday.

9:10 AM PT / 11:03 1st: Ken: “Underneath passing game is being left too open by Bears.” Indeed, lots of room for Maryland, and on the next play it’s Touchdown Maryland! 7-0, Terrapins. Ken: “Cal is losing the battle at the line of scrimmage and everything is crumbling from there so far.”

9:13 AM PT: Jason’s breakfast furnished by Quaker Oats. Mmm, oatmeal. Jason’s tea is British Breakfast, furnished by Republic of Tea. No promotional consideration was provided, sadly.

9:14 AM PT: Someone’s going to need to go look in the archives and see just how many times Cal lets the opposition score on its first drive. It seems to happen so much. Ken: “That’s our trademark!” But of course now it’s gotten Maryland in the game, which is always dangerous.

9:16 AM PT / 10:21 1st: Terrible pass by Riley, telegraphed and then floated. Uh-oh. Maryland ball deep in Cal territory. Ken: “Ouch. Sean Young fell down. Even so, it was an off pass. HUGE moment here for the defense.”

9:18 AM PT: Ken: “Not tackling well at all. That last sweep should have been a 3-4 yard gain, not a first down.” First and goal for the Terps. Phil: “No more trips east of the Mississippi.” Clearly.

9:19 AM PT / 8:41 1st: Touchdown Maryland! Maryland 14, Cal 0. Cue the hibernation joke. Can we maybe hope for an Armed Forces Bowl-type deal? Ken: “WSU stole our uniforms!” Now the shoe is on the other foot.

9:21 AM PT: At least Ken doesn’t have to watch these awful ads for AT&T and Volkswagen.

9:22 AM PT: Ken: “The Bears now look both tired AND like they got the life sucked out of them. No intensity right now.”

9:23 AM PT / 8:30 1st: Best returns the kickoff to the Maryland 40! The first good play of the game. Ken: “Way to go Best!  That’s exactly what the Bears needed.” Phil: “There you go.”

9:23 AM PT: Phil reports that his fake TiVo reports that Jahvid Best’s name is “Dahvid.” Hmm. Another Cal first down, this by Vereen on his second run in a row. Moving the ball. Phil: “The mistake in coming out late Friday was probably not the time zone adjustment, but rather the humidity. That humidity will sap you, man.”

9:25 AM PT: Is there a promo or commercial between every single play, ESPN?

9:25 AM PT: Riley can’t find anyone, but his legs bring Morrah open for a first down. Riley to Morrah, the Bears’ one dependable combination. Ken: “That showed a lot of maturity by Riley. He had to wait a LONG time for that pass.”

9:27 AM PT: They’ve talked more about USC-OSU than Cal-Maryland in this broadcast.

9:27 AM PT: I really wanted Riley to run on that play. Ken agrees: “OK, too mature. That was a time to run. that WR was covered.” Totally. Riley could have run and gotten close to the first down, if not a touchdown.

9:28 AM PT: And the offense comes apart. Seawright for the 30-yard FG, good. Maryland 14, Cal 3.

9:31 AM PT: Phil: “Nothing about Buffalo Wild Wings in these ads makes me ever want to go there.” By the way, if you go to RoutanBoom.com you can see even more of Brooke Shields acting like a crazy person. So if seeing that VW commercial eight times wasn’t enough, there’s always the web.

9:32 AM PT / 4:56 1st: The kick-off is seriously suffering. Seawright boots it out of bounds, so Maryland will get it on the 40. Terrible. Ken: “Ugh.”

9:34 AM PT: 3rd and 4 for Maryland here. Phil: “SQUAD HIT!” But they eke out the first down on a four-yard completion. Squad Hit indeed.

9:35 AM PT: Phil: “Can we get a defensive stop at some point today?… Apparently, we cannot.” Nope. Another Maryland first down. Terrible defense so far today. Ken: “Worrell Williams was going the wrong way there. Should have been a 3 yard gain.” Thompson knocks a pass away at the goal line. Ken: “At least Syd is still doing his thing.”

9:37 AM PT / 1:45 1st: Unbelievable. They almost get the QB, but a great move by the WR gets Maryland yet another first down. What a disaster in the making.

9:38 AM PT: Yet another big gainer for Maryland gains another first down. Essentially the Maryland offense, which has been incompetent in its first two games, can move the ball at will against Cal’s defense. Ken: “Follett took a real bad angle on that screen. He would have made the tackle for a 4th down.”

9:40 AM PT: Ken: “Ugh. The referee screen.” And now it’s first and goal for Maryland again, looking to go up by 17 points. But that will have to wait for the second quarter. End of First Quarter. Maryland 14, Cal 3.

9:41 AM PT: Ken: “Couldn’t have been a better time for the quarter break. Gives the Bears a chance to rest.”

9:44 AM PT / 14:56 2nd: Nice fake, nice pass, and there you go. Touchdown Maryland. 21-3 Terrapins. So, Cal, you want to just start walking to the airport now? Ken: “And that was the better covered of the two receivers.” Ouch.

9:46 AM PT: Phil: “So here’s what Dave Pasch has talked about today: 1. Jake Locker, 2. USC-OSU, 3. Hurricane Ike. And occassionally, they squeeze in something about the game they’re actually covering.” So now let’s go back to the studio!

9:48 AM PT / 13:08 2nd: Phil and I are debating whether we’d be rather watching Chelsea-Man City right now. So far, the answer is yes. Soccer aside, Riley completes a pass to Boateng for a first down! Sakes alive! Next play, a run for a gain of 1. Ken: “Run blocking just isn’t there.” Another first-down to Boateng through the air, though.

9:50 AM PT: I am blown away by just how much clutter is in an ESPN game. Not a play goes by without some sort of junk that’s not related to the game. It’s horrible if you actually care about the game you’re watching.

9:51 AM PT: Ken: “Riley is waiting too long to make decision to run. He could have gotten 2-5 if he had decided earlier.” Phil: “Did they implant some sort of chip in Riley that makes him not run anymore? Like the thing you put on a dog’s collar so that it doesn’t leave the yard.” Riley to Cunningham, first down, inside the 20! Roll on you Bears. Ken: “Great catch by Cunningham. Too bad he didn’t see Young running down the seam for an easy TD.”

9:53 AM PT: Incredibly long end-around, and yet somehow Maryland can’t stop it. Good for Cal, bad defense by Maryland. Most defenses should stop that play cold. Phil: “Of course, all this is moot if Cal’s defense doesn’t get into the game.”

9:54 AM PT: Big play here, third and goal. Riley throws it way out of the back of the end zone. Ken: “That fade to the corner had no fade in it.” Seawright hits the 22 yard FG, and it’s Maryland 21, Cal 6.

9:58 AM PT / 10:10 2nd: Ken: “Well, if Cal can pull the comeback, they’d better be practicing a good two-point play. They’re likely going to need it at some point.”

9:59 AM PT: Kay gets the kickoff after Seawright’s shank, but it goes to the 10 and is run back to the 40. More great field position for Maryland.

10:00 AM PT: Cal sacks the quarterback whose Dad was in Ratt and it’s fourth down. Phil: “Lay it down. Lay it down.” Round and round! Can they force a punt? Of course not. Long gain for Maryland. Why am I even bothering when there’s Premiership soccer on?

10:03 AM PT / 8:22 2nd: Cal forces a fumble, Follett recovers, and it’s Cal ball! Look, folks, a good defensive play! Who’da thunk?

10:05 AM PT: Best… caught from behind? Cal, it’s not your day. Phil: “Maintain dignity.” Indeed. Ken: “O-Line just isn’t blocking much less opening holes.” And the fumble goes for naught. This is going to be a long day. Anger kicks a good punt, though. It’s like the Nick Harris days! Look for the silver lining in Cal’s excellence at kicking the ball away.

10:08 AM PT: Ken: “Cal defense comes out on the field looking flat again.” Wow, Ken, you’re depressing me and we’re still in a commercial break!

10:11 AM PT: Oh, yes, that’s the stuff. Add in a personal foul. Why not?

10:13 AM PT: Hmm, I wonder how Chelsea’s doing over on Fox Soccer Channel. But no! Syd Thompson comes from the corner and forces Chris Turner to LAY IT DOWN! And Maryland will have to punt!

10:14 AM PT: They’re playing “Welcome to the Jungle” at the stadium. Come on, guys. It’s got to be Ratt, all the time. Are you kidding me? And Syd muffs the punt but holds on. Ken: “That’s really too bad. Tedford doesn’t stand for drops so Syd may not get another chance even though he’s got the most potential.” Sigh. There’s always the second half.

10:18 AM PT: Once again the quick throw out, which IS A PLAY THAT DOES NOT WORK. And then Best gets clobbered and is shaken up. Well, this is not good. Ken: “A reminder to those who worry about these sorts of things: Maryland is actual grass, not field-turf.”

10:20 AM PT / 3:00 2nd: Riley uses his legs to run around and look for his favorite target, Morrah. First down.

10:20 AM PT: Riley overthrows Boateng. Ken: “That was Riley’s fault. He needed to throw it down the middle.”

10:22 AM PT: And another failed third-down conversion. Ken: “Biggest play of the game so far and it wasn’t even close. Horrible blocking again. What was 55 thinking. Let the tackler fly right by.”

10:23 AM PT: I am apparently one of the only people in the Bay Area who can watch the Stanford game, since I had to buy the DirecTV Sports Pack in order to get Comcast Sports Net West. Not that I’m actually watching Stanford, but I could.

10:24 AM PT: Cal tackles a dude in the end zone and somehow they say it isn’t a safety? Ken: “That was a safety.” But there’s no review? In the Pac-10 we review things on the drop of a hat. That’s ridiculous. Ken: “Ridiculous. I’m sorry, but these ACC refs are in the bag. Not a call has gone Cal’s way yet.”

10:29 AM PT: Riley not looking at all accurate, staring down his receivers. Dare I say Ayoob-like?

10:32 AM PT / 0:16 2nd: Good catch by Cunningham to get Cal in range with a few seconds left. And another one, inside the 10! Ken: “Hmmm… Riley under center. 8 seconds. End of half… where have I seen this before?” Throw it, Riley! Ken: “Overthrow by Riley.”

10:33 AM PT: Seawright’s attempt hits the uprights. Well, that wraps up the first half, doesn’t it? Halftime: Maryland 21, Cal 6.

10:34 AM PT / Halftime: All I can say is, given how terrible this game has gone, it’s miraculous that it’s only a 15-point spread. Ken: “Well, if there is some positive news, it’s that the Bears are still in reach. A different team is going to have and play in the 2nd half.” I suggest USC. Ken: “But the game is in reach. That FG was only the difference between needing a two-point conversion to tie after two TDs and two TDs winning the game outright.”

10:38 AM PT: Phil: “Our salvation is the fact that Maryland is pretty bad. A decent team absolutely buries Cal, the way Cal played. Maryland has let ’em stay in the game.”

10:54 AM PT: Ken: “Big screen says: FEAR THE TURTLE!” Can’t argue. Ken: “And now Kay will hit his 9-Iron when a driver is required.” I’ve brought up the Slingbox so I can monitor the Premiership and Stanford-TCU, just to take the edge off.

10:56 AM PT: Touchdown TCU! It’s 14-0 Horned Frogs. At least we can revel in Stanford being behind, right people?

10:57 AM PT: Fumble! Cal ball! That’s good stuff. Let’s turn this around. Phil: “Hey, I hit live TV just as Cal got the football back. Our fortunes are changing.” Ken: “Follett came to play in the 2nd half. That’s two hits in the backfield in a row, the 2nd for a fumble.”

10:59 AM PT: One bad Best run and a broken play and it’s 3rd and 5. And Riley throws it into the ground in front of Boateng, and the third down conversion fails yet again. Phil: “Go for it.” And they are! Phil: “If you punt here, you might as well pull the team.” They do, but Riley runs rather than throws and ends up short. And so ends the momentum shift.

11:01 AM PT: Ken: “He’s lost his instincts on this. Over-coached.” I think so. Riley seems to be second-guessing himself all the time.

11:04 AM PT: In other news, gigantic Stanford rush for a touchdown to make it 14-7 TCU. Meanwhile, Cal continues to stink.

11:10 AM PT: What more can I say? Maryland is rolling over Cal with ease. Cal can’t stop them, can’t slow them down. nothing. One first down after another. What more is there to say? Ken has more: “The defense is getting pushed around again. For about 5 minutes they played with determination and didn’t get pushed around. Now they’re back getting pushed off the line.”

11:12 AM PT / 8:36 3rd: Touchdown Maryland! And there you go. Maryland 28, Cal 6. This is what the other side of a butt-kicking feels like. Ken: “Cal needs a TD in response or this game is over. And even then, things need to change.” I disagree — this game is over, period. But it would be nice if Cal could do something on offense, even if the defense remains terrible.

11:14 AM PT: In other news, Stanford just blocked a punt and ran it back to tie its game with TCU at 14. Things just keep getting worse…

11:16 AM PT: ESPN has just reminded us that over on ESPN2, there’s a game that’s actually worth watching. Just a subtle hint. “PLEASE CHANGE THE CHANNEL.”

11:17 AM PT: Best is looking very slow. Ken says he’s definitely not 100%. Cal’s making some tough hits and knocking Maryland players out of the game, but that’s it.

11:21 AM PT: Ken: “Riley is not even close today. He looks really, really, really off today.”

11:21 AM PT / 6:49 3rd: This is the first third-down conversion of the game. Wow. At some point I wonder if Longshore should get some work, maybe to build up some confidence and not completely run down Riley’s. Though it’s better if Riley gets his confidence back right here with a scoring drive… Long gainer with a bobbled ball. Ken: “At least he caught it, but he might still be running if he could have caught it and ran in one smooth motion. Or at least would have gotten another 5-10 yards.”

11:25 AM PT: Two sacks on consecutive plays and the Cal offense implodes again. But another good punt! The spectre of Nick Harris approves.

11:29 AM PT: No offense, Ken, but I’m sure glad I didn’t travel for this game. At least Tennessee has SEC tradition. This game actually feels even more dispiriting than the Tennessee game, since Maryland’s first two games were so poor.

11:34 AM PT / :57 3rd: Riley sacked again. Ken: “THROW THE BALL AWAY!”

11:35 AM PT: Ken: “Everyone is trying to make too much happen with each play. Syd not just running up field. Riley holding on too long or trying to thread the needle. Everyone.”

11:36 AM PT: / End 3rd Two consecutive first-down plays and the third quarter ends. Ken: “This game is over. 1 quarter to score 22 points. Not going to happen.” I’d like a touchdown or two, though. My wife comments that the Maryland coach is… “unfortunately shaped.” That’s one way to put it.

11:39 AM PT: Oh, look, Cal fans. It’s some of that “national media exposure” we’ve been looking for:

Good stuff.

11:41 AM PT: Riley with two overthrows. Ken on the first: “That pass was there, but he needed to throw a 1/2 second earlier.”

11:42 AM PT: Well, this game is an utter failure on both sides of the ball. So much for maintaining dignity and keeping it close.

11:45 AM PT: I may go take a shower. I certainly will have to after the game is over. But hey, at least the hippies are out of the trees. Thank you, ESPN, for showing us the bright side.

11:49 AM PT: Good stat. Cal hasn’t gone a game without a touchdown since 2000. Yes, you read that right, even in the depths of 2001, we haven’t seen Cal not reach the end zone.

11:51 AM PT: Ken: “Starting to take a more global view (for those who think this is the death knoll for the team, cover your screens): If Cal has any aspirations left, a close-looking flnal score is critical to every pundit not pointing to this game any time there is a debate about where Cal fits in the picture.”

11:53 AM PT: Boy, this is gonna be a fun bye week for Cal.

11:54 AM PT: Ken: “Riley looks really frustrated and has for most of the game. He doesn’t seem to be one of those players that plays well frustrated.”

11:58 AM PT / 6:55 4th: Touchdown Cal! Ken: “FINALLY!” And now it’s Maryland 28, Cal 13. At least they got in the end zone. Making the best of a bad situation.

12:01 PM PT: Ken: “Not to be a complete jerk, but this game would be tied right now if Cal scores TD’s on their other 3 red-zone appearances.”

12:05 PM PT: Is this thing still on? Touchdown Maryland. Maryland 34, Cal 13. Ken: “Way to keep it close, guys!”

12:09 PM PT: You know, close games that Cal loses stick with me all day. The good thing about this game happening in the morning is that it’s been such a laugher, I can’t really be in that bad a mood. My day isn’t ruined. I just have to roll my eyes and move on.

12:12 PM PT / 5:03 4th: Cal marches down the field and scores another TD on a pass from Riley to #44, the tight end. Maryland 34, Cal 20.

12:16 PM PT: TCU has gone up 21-14 on Stanford, midway through the 3rd Quarter.

12:21 PM PT: Maryland misses a field goal — that’s a bad kicker — and Cal gets the ball back, down 15 with three minutes to go. Phil: “Well, this is modestly intriguing.” Ehh.

12:24 PM PT / 1:55 4th: Touchdown Bears! Riley moves them down the field rapidly, flinging it as much as he can, and Maryland’s defense let him. Now it’s Maryland 35, Cal 27.

12:26 PM PT: Onside kick fails (0-3 on the onside kick this game), so Maryland gets the ball.

12:28 PM PT: Maryland takes a knee. We have found our final score, Maryland 35, Cal 27. Ah, the illusion of a competitive game! But those of you who stuck with us to the end, you know better.